It's January 3rd 2011, I'm just returned home after a few years living abroad, and I'm some weeks away from making one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make in my life, that decision being to end the relationship I'd been in for the past five years. It was mainly over in all but deed, but it still was a painful thing to go through. But on that January day I found myself unable to sleep, and took to the streets to make my way somewhere - anywhere - but here. In the pre-dawn chill I looked inward and outward, ahead and behind, and felt completely lost. Making my way downtown, lost in thought, I soon decided to hop on a train that would take me to a small city by the sea. Upon reaching it, I meandered for a while, taking in the bitter cold that stung me in the face, until I came upon a tiny beach - no more than an alcove, really. I sat down in the sand for a moment, as small waves lapped upon the shores, and this tranquil rhythm brought me an enormous sense of peace. Soon thereafter I took off my shoes, rolled up my pants, and waded into the cold water. As my feet plunged into the shallow waters, I was at once taken aback by how cold it was, and yet I did not flinch, and took some more steps into the calm, chilly water. The sun reflected upon the surface and its light seemed to dance like molten gold. As I stood there looking down at my feet in the water, somewhere inside me a glimmer of hope blossomed, knowing that whatever storm came my way, I'd be brave enough to weather it.
It's December 25th 2013 and I'm going through the worst year of my life : barely six months before I was having the best year of my life, engaged to be married to one of the great loves of my life, and though my job left me feeling deeply unfulfilled, I knew that I could move on from it and to better things whenever I so chose. Just before summer, though, and in the span of a week, all of that was gone. Whatever defences I'd managed to build up throughout my life came tumbling down, and I fell into a chasm from which it would take me a very long time to crawl out from. In the meantime, I found myself broken, broke, desolate, all but destitute. For the first time in my life I had nothing, no money, no hopes, I wholly depended on my family, and I couldn't even afford the smallest christmas gift for my son. This alone broke me further, and little did I know that things wouldn't get any easier.
It's close to new year's eve last year, and I took stock of not only the past year, I also looked back on the years from 2014 onwards, a period of time that was at the same time a new era for me, a time where I managed to eke out a new life amidst the darkness wherein I dwelled, and also a time where I - ever trying - ever failed at my very many atempts at creating relationships - lasting ones, at that. On top of all this, I had a number of issues regarding my health, both on a mental and physical level. And if in some cases I followed up on those issues and sought the necessary treatment, in many other cases I just let it slide. I delayed it all, thinking that I could maybe eventually get it all sorted out. And so I decided that this year that now approaches its end would be the year where I'd get it all sorted, I promised to myself that my health would be my number one priority. I'd outlined a number of initiatives to implement and follow in my life, and yet... I did nothing. I'm not ascribing fault to the year we all went through, atypical as it may have been. No, all inaction, all the choices I made and did not make are on me. No one put a gun to my head and made me follow this course of action. So many promises... so much nothingness acomplished.
It is now, because it's always now, and as I look to the coming year, I can already acknowledge some of the many difficulties I am bound to face. So I make no promises this year. Instead I choose hope. I hope that next year I finally learn to treat myself with the kindness I deserve from my own self. I hope I can get some - or most - of my shit in order, and I hope that I somehow manage to get my priorities sorted. I hope that vision of me of which I dreamed of just recently can again surface in the coming months. I know what I have to do, and I hope I have the strength and the wherewithal to reach those distant shores. I hope my mind allows me the impetus needed to take these hard steps, and I hope I can understand what rewards lie at the end of that far rainbow. I hope I can do so much more than I did this year, I hope I can discover new music and I hope I can find the patience to finish books again and I hope I can find the mindset to watch some of the stuff I've got on hold. I hope I can write more here, and I hope I start writing down all those ideas I sometimes come up with and think I'll remember then later, only to completely forget them.
I hope, I hope, I hope. Let's see if hoping leads me to doing.
