Violence & Birdsong

I don't know what anxiety is to other people
but I am told it's not ever exactly the same
for anyone of us
but I know what anxiety is to me
and it's so many different things
it's not only the feeling of constant exhaustion
or feeling incapable of getting out of bed
it's not only not going to the gym because
I do not want anyone to look at me
or crying myself to sleep
no
anxiety is also
getting out of bed
deciding I am going to have a good day
and then going for a long walk
and feeling ok with the world
but then as I turn a corner
I realize, shit, I have an ex that works near here
and I hope I don't bump into her
because I don't want her to see how much I let myself go
how fat I am
how I now have a hobo beard
how broken my voice sounds
and though we never loved each other
we liked each other just fine
and we had great sex
and how we ate sushi and drank wine
and as I think all this
of course I bump into her
and she's visibly fazed
she never saw me like this
but recognition is semi instant
and we stand there for like half a second
not knowing what to do
not knowing what to say
and I break the ice
and say Hi Izzy
and she says hi
and we kiss each other on the cheek
how are you, I ask, saying that she is looking good
(and she is)
and she smiles, and says things are good,
and she says I look good too
(which is a lie)
and I smile, and say things are the same as they always are
and then an awkward silence
filled with so many memories
and I tell her I really have to go
that it was good seeing her
and I tell her that it is good to know she is happy
we say goodbye
and I make a mental note never to go that way again
because that is also what anxiety is to me.