Promenade

[This is a recurring dream I had these past two nights. If anywhere in the multiverse I commited this crime, I deserve to suffer in hell for all eternities to come.]

V and me were returning from a day at the beach, our first since we started dating some weeks prior. We were on the train, returning to the city, and as it crossed the bridge she looked out the window, taking in the last light of a sun that slowly set in the distance. It had been a happy day, if uneventful at that. I guess that's a good thing, all things considered. We'd not stayed long at the beach, a few hours only, but I can still picture every moment we spent laying in the warm sand, our eyes not escaping each other's. I can still recall the heaving of her bosom, as it rose and fell, when we sat reading in the shade, and my eyes wandered from the page to her. I can still taste the juice of the grapefruits she was eating when I stole a kiss from her. That's how in love with her I am.

She gazes longingly out the window, her eyes bearing a certain sadness we knew not to speak of, at least not now. As she sat there, her hands on her knees, my hand reached out to hers, and she made no motion to hold it. It wasn't as if she hadn't acknowledged it, or refused it or dismissed it, she was somewhere far away, lost in a reverie that almost transported her out of her body. I'd come to know them these past few weeks, and knowing why she'd retreat into her mindscape sometimes, I slowly learned how to navigate those waters. I let my hand linger on top of hers for a few moments longer, and as I was about to remove it, she gripped it gently, and with a shy smile I saw her return to me. She ran a hand through her hair and nuzzled close to me. I could tell she was tired, though the day had not extracted a heavy toll, we were both of us near sleep as the train lulled us back home. 

I was listening to her breath as her head lay on my shoulder, feeling the warmth of her, feeling the nearness of her, taking in the sacred silence between us. 'Hey V', I said, and she lifted her head, slowly, carefully, and brushed off the sleep off her eyes before looking at me and replying 'Hey'. I smiled at that and then followed that with 'can I ask you something?'. 'Sure', she said. Nervously, I asked her 'do you like me?'. At this she paused for a moment, a very brief moment only, and exhaling deeply, she held my hands and said, 'Do you mean am I in love with you? Do you mean if I love you?'. I didn't - guess I maybe couldn't - reply but she continued, 'Not at this moment in time. I don't know if I ever will. But I don't know if I ever won't, either.' Deflated, my hand started to slip from hers. She gripped them tighter and looked deeply at me. 'But I want you to know that you're the one I chose to be with, and I hope that we somehow make something out of this whole mess. I'm choosing you. Ok? And you know we have to take this slowly. You know that. You know why.' 'Ok', I said. 'But what if I fall in love with you? What if I do love you? Where does that leave us?'. A sort of intense silence fell momentarily between us while she pondered my words. Then she pursed her lips, her face brightening slightly, and she said to me 'Then I hope you'll show me your love and make me feel loved. Maybe that's how love grows between us. Maybe we grow stronger together.'