Because from now on much of what I will be writing about will be heading towards the end of my relationship with Dora, I feel that now is the right time for me to pay her the tribute she richly deserves. I've written before that there's a part of me that wishes that we had broken up much earlier - like when I experienced that crisis regarding my feelings for her, or had she not gotten pregnant, then I don't think we'd've stayed together that much longer. And before we broke up for good, one year before that it almost happened, this time around on her own initiative. I was too afraid then - not afraid to lose her, or to lose whatever I thought we still had; no, I was afraid of being alone again, of being single again, of having to adapt to a reality I knew nothing about. I was afraid of having to start from scratch all over again, but for the first time, really. How little did I know that I would be doing it again and again the future. nad this time, it was up to me to do the begging, the pleading, the convincing. And for some unknown reason, she gave us another chance. I now wish she hadn't, and not for my sake, rather for her's. How I wish the had had that extra year to find her own happiness.
Because it's something that I truly feel she hasn't had much of, really - happiness. Oh, she might've been happy with me in the beginning, but all the rest was just contentment, if I'm honest. And everyone that came to her life after me didn't really do a great job of making her happy either. While I was living in London, I think she might've started to get interested in one of her co-workers. Though I don't think that anything really happened between them, not much after our relationship had ended she was dating him already. It was neither long nor happy for her, I know. I disliked the guy as soon as I met him, I immediately saw through his façade of shit. Unfortunately, the heart wants what the heart wants, and she had to learn by herself just how much of a prick the guy was. I eventually was introduced to another guy - also a co-worker of hers - who actually seemed to be a real nice dude. It didn't really surprise me when they started a relationship, and they'd remain together for a few years, even moving in together and having a son as well. It seemed to be something that was going to stand the test of time, but it was not to be.
Something had changed inside her a few years back - I guess it was when she was dating the creep I wrote about - and she became really religious, attending church on the regular and stuff like that. I always praised - and somewhat envied - that newfound faith of hers. In a sense it did seem to fit her character and her core beliefs really well.
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