Today I had to go out to go pick up an order, all in all travelling to the place I had to go to and returning back home took me almost two hours. This is relevant only because as I was almost halfway through going down my street, I suddenly found myself tumbling to floor, face first. Had I not put my hands in front of me as I was falling, and for sure I'd have come home sporting some nasty scrapes on not just my right knee, but on my face as well. And this is something that, sadly for me, has always happened - I've always been prone to taking some weird tumbles, and to this day it's something that keeps on hanging. Late last year, I was out and about with my best friend, Hugo, and as we were crossing a street, I twisted my ankle, and found myself on the ground. The weird thing is that I managed to fall down in a way that left me shoeless, and how this quite happened I don't really know. I picked myself from the ground only to see that my shoes were somehow behind me.
The last meaningful relationship I had was about a decade ago - 2015 to be more precise - and I recall when I first started to getting to know the girl, Sónia, when, you know, it's that early part of the relationship when you don't know a lot about each other and you start telling some maybe serious stuf and maybe some not so serious stuff, and I was telling her that her new boyfriend (me, naturally) was a clumsy fellow. And at that she might've just laughed and waved it away, but I doubled down on it, and reiterated that things seemed to slip from my hands, that I fell over mysefl all the time, and I laughed at that too. But in this instance, I'd come to see a look of disappointment in her face - one that I didn't know yet, but would come too know all too well in the near future. It was look that judged me for all my many inadequacies, and thet equated me with a bumbling child. I can't fault her for that, I blame only myself for on the one hand not having anticipated that me disappointing her was all but guaranteed, and on the other hand for opening up myself that much, thereby creating a vulnerability that she could pounce upon. I hadn't yet realized, but in fact I opened many such avenues, and I was punished severely for every single instance.
Still, there were some sweet moments between us - I'll eventually come round to her sometime in the future, and write some more about her.
This reminiscing made me think of the very first time me and this girl wnet out together, and the nice meal at an indian restaurant that ended up with me being invited to spend the night with her. There are things about that game of cat and mouse that I really miss, and wish to god that it might somehow happen again... but I don't have any hopes of that actually happening.
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