Today marks my three hundredth consecutive post, meaning that I have been writing here daily for the past three hundred days. The end of this project looms ahead, sixty-five days to go, sixty-five posts to go. And that, in and of itself, leaves me a bit preoccupied because other than maybe a handful of posts, I have no idea what to write about. Nothing really comes to mind, except things that I think I'd rather save for other projects. It's also a reflection of just how tired I've been feeling these past couple of weeks, I can't even remember the weird dreams I usually have, which end up becoming fodder for my writings. There are also a couple of other things on my mind as of late, that greatly contribute to my weariness : on the one hand, I've had a not inconsiderable of almost-but-not-quite bad days, days that are just bad enough for me to feel completely depleted, but not so bad that I feel driven to drown myself in booze. And learning how to deal with these days is not an easy thing. On the other hand, I've also been feeling pretty pissed off at my own self because I can't seem to do anything at all in my free time. And I'm stupid, because I find myself working on my off days, even if it's just for a few hours, but that means I'm not doing anything else, I'm not resting, my head doesn't switch off... It's a shit predicament out of my own making. There's things I want to do, there's places I want to go to, but I don't seem to find the time to do whatever, or maybe find the energy to go out. And I want that to change. I need that to change, and for sure it's something I'll work on a lot more next year. I still have some things I wish to prioritize until year's end, but I hope that next year I may be able to start slotting in the time for something else other than staying at home.
I'm really at a loss about what I'll be doing here moving forward. Because I either come up with some ideas soon, or I'm fucked. I have a long form story I'd like to write, but maybe this isn't the right platform for that. Nothing here is copyright protected, and though none of the shit I write is good - or even halfway decent - I do have some ideas I'd like to turn into a proper story, and if I do it here... well, who's to stop anyone from swiping what I write here? Besides that, I do have some other ideas for musings, but again - I want to do them elsewhere, without the pressure of having to do them daily, and in a wholly different format altogether. Of course, not all of those ideas necessarily have to be set aside for that project, and I am right now entertaining the notion of repurposing some ideas for a segment here, very similar in tone to the album reviews, but regarding another form of entertainment. God alone knows whether I'll have to resort to those ideas or not. A part of me would rather not, but at this moment in space and time I don't see many alternatives.
All this said, right now I'm in a much better place than I was when I started writing three hundred days ago, I'm in a much better place than I was after the chaos that was the month of May happened, but I'm still some ways away from being where I want to be. I'm getting closer, step by step, I'm staring to see myself again, but jesus, it's something that I'll have to keep working at for a long time, and if I want to go beyond everything I've been before, I cannot relent, I cannot give up, and I cannot allow myself to get distracted. Even if that means more loneliness, even if that means more time spent alone with myself. If that's the way, then that's the way.
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