And I'll own up to it - many times in these past few months, especially in this last quarter, I felt like giving up. There were so many days and nights when I sat here in front of this screen, and I just stared at it, the blank 'page' all but taunting me. 'Come on', it said, 'I dare you. I fucking dare you. Do it. Write. Come up with something.', it would say, and I'd stare back into that void, minutes stretching into hours of being unable to come up with a single word, and as time ticked away each day, the screen would say 'I thought so.', and those days... man, those days I didn't really want to write anything at all. Not even an album 'review'. And then, a word, or an image would come to mind, and I'd start typing away, sometimes furiously so, just to make sure that I wrote the post for the day. And, you know, it's like I'd set up myself to fail in the first place.
As I sat here in this room a year ago, thinking about what this year would be like, I made three somewhat unofficial resolutions : one of them was to write every day, every single day of the year, and to write a minimum of 500 words a day. I know that here and there, there were days where I didn't hit that mark, there were days where I wasn't feeling well or whatever and I wrote maybe a couple of paragraphs only. But then there were the days where I far exceeded those 500 words, so maybe it makes up for those where I didn't reach that mark. I'm not very inclined to compile the data for every single entry I did for this year, so my guess is as good as anyone's as to whether or not I managed to maintain that average. The real problem with that 500 word a day target was that it required me to be very sparse with my daily posts when it came to the bit where I wrote about my life. Sometimes I had to edit myself, weeding out what stories I felt weren't going to be told, but then also I had to pad out whatever I wrote, so that I could stretch it a bit longer. And I wish I could say that doing this every day, that writing here every day, was fun - but most of the time it just wasn't. There were days I dreaded having to do this, but on the other hand there were days where what I wrote came easily and flowed well, and on those days I felt like I could do it forever and ever. To be sure, I'll never do such an undertaking again, not unless it's for good money.
The second resolution dealt with cleanliness. By no means do I live in a pigsty, but I admit that sometimes my laziness keeps me from keeping my room as clean as I'd love to, so that's a work in progress. The final resolution is at once my greatest achievement of the year as well as my biggest failure. You see, my one great ambition for this year was to start taking better care of myself, health wise. And that proved to be a daunting challenge in and of itself. I succeeded, in part, during those first four months of the year, because I was for sure eating much healthier, I wasn't drinking at all, and then May came along, and what began with a beer or two turned into a month long binge drinking session. I was drinking every day, eating all sorts of nasty shit, and by June I had to decide whether I wanted to live or whether I wanted to die. And I chose life.
I started going to the gym pretty much every day, my resolve unwavering. In time I began losing weight - not all of it, but some, enough weight to make me feel much better about myself, and unfortunately enough weight for me to somehow think that I had reached where I needed to be, and thus, relax a bit and... try to do 'normal' things again. I completely misjudged everything, and both November and December would prove to be crucibles that I would not be able to come back from unscathed. The things I put myself through... man, they did a number on me. And as well they did, for they helped me harden the resolve I need to feel for what lies ahead, but it still hurt, nevertheless. It fucking well hurt. So - idiocy heaped upon idiocy - here I 've found myself barely going to the gym these past two months, facing health issues again, imbibing poison by the gallon again, stuffing myself with shit again, and guess what? That weight I lost decided to make a come back. And what do I do now? Now I start again, that's what. That'll be my reward - not my punishment, but my reward : the pleasure of beginning it all anew. And this time.... motherfucker, this time we stick the landing.
This year wasn't the hardest I ever had, not by a longshot, but that doesn't mean it was an easy one. There were certainly some... interesting and unexpected developments this year, and sure, they had their effect on me. I am only human. And as I started to look forward, and at what's coming next, for the first time in many a year I decided to be something I'm usually not : strong. In many different ways, I suppose. I had to figure out though, what does being 'strong' mean? Well, this year I found out that sometimes it means resisting the pull of our smartphone, and not texting that very special someone and telling her how much you still love her, and you resist that motherfucking temptation no matter how drunk you are. It also means finding it in you to go through your contacts list and eliminating those phone numbers and e-mail addresses that serve no purpose other to maybe re-visit aches that ought to remain in the past. This is such a big part of the act of letting go, of finally letting go, and yet it goes so unnoticed. It's mostly gone now, my contact list full of people I haven't talked to in ages, wouldn't really want to talk to again, or just don't care enough about anymore. From now on, I'm only keeping what's essential to me. And I write this even as I wrestle with the possibility of - yet again - divesting myself of my music collection; not only would it help further the steps towards where I want to go, it would also be testament to how much this year changed me. I don't know, we'll see.
But, having said all this, I have to look back now and be really thankful that I had to go through this year - I see it as necessary bridge for me, though the crossing of it, and the fording of the raging river that runs beneath it will be a monumental task. There was pain, most of it of my own creation, most of it invited by me, but it wasn't shapeless pain - rather, it helped forge the way forward. But there was also honesty, and this year - for the first time in many years - I was honest with myself. I hope I can continue to be so, in the future. I also wanted to have reached the end of the year with a clean conscience, that I had tried - one last time - to see if I could live the way 'normal' people do, want the same things, do the same things, and this year was the year I realized that no, I no longer have it in me to want, to actively want and seek those things. It's all just too... too trying, too exhausting, and I had what I had, and I have to be content with that. This is the path, this is the way forward, the moment where I become one with the void - the void where one does not want, one does not desire, one does not look for, the void where there is finally only peace. I tried, I failed, I screwed up, I was screwed over, it is what it is. There is no shame in living one's life in a solitude of one's own making, and there is no shame in living with an unrequited love that will never be known to another living soul inside one's heart. It's not even a choice, it's nature. There's no shame, and I will never feel it, ever again.
This is it - the end was always coming, and now it's here. I'm certain I wanted to say something else, and I'm sure I'll remember it tomorrow. But today is what matters, and tomorrow? Well, tomorrow will be day one of year one of the new epoch - the epoch of the Invisible Man. My name shall be Invisible Man the first.
Again, I thank any soul who was foolish enough to waste their precious time reading my words. I didn't do this seeking an audience, and to know that some wandered here - and have remained here, I do look at my stats - is somewhat humbling.
I end this year with a bittersweet taste in my mouth : there's only the one thing left to do, but unfortunately I couldn't time it so that it was done ere the year ended. It's something that'll be done in the next few days, and oh how I wish I could have started the coming year with that hardship fully behind me.
Let's do this, aye? Let's close the doors on this project, and on this year. Let's say our farewells, our goodbyes, let's say one last hurrah, and be done with it.
I'll see you in the next life.
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