Anyway, he'd listen to those tapes endlessly, and sometimes I'd even like some of the music being played. Some of these bands became highly significant to me, others I mostly just could never really get into.
One that remained with me since those days is Joy Division - though their impact wouldn't be felt until sometime in the early 90s.
I couldn't now tell you exactly where this happened - my mind does have the tendency to sometimes gloss over some details, and I'll mix up places and years and whatnot. As it was, this might've been in either a number of bookstores that a) no longer exist or b) if they exist still, look nothing like they were when I knew them. The problem with trying to remember this particular bit, is while I can remember the book quite well, where I'm holding it could very well be any of those places. Or maybe none of those places.
Be that as it may, I'm browsing the shelves, taking in the racks, something I've always loved doing. Taking a book from the shelf, holding it in your hand and feeling the weight of it, turning it this way and that way to see if it's in a good condition, then leafing carefully through it, its scent wafting up to your nose, filling you with that delightful book smell. There were a number of these bookstores here that I used to go, sadly most of them just don't exist anymore. But in one of them, what's happening is that by chance I grab a book - my mind is trying to tell me that the book might have been somewhat grubby, maybe even dog-eared, which makes me think that this may have been somewhere that also sold second-hand books, but then again - some of these bookstores might not always have had some great standards when it came to displaying their books and keeping them in ideal conditions. I've picked up the book, and I'm finding out that this is some sort of poetry anthology, though the author's name was unfamiliar to me. What was familiar to me, though, was another name on the cover - Joy Division.
This was a bilingual edition, where on one side there would be the original poem, and on the other a portuguese translation. I gravitated towards the original, and I'll own up to having intensely disliked some of the translations I read - even then I could see what was being lost in translation.
I read those poems intently, without knowing what to make of them. I had no idea at the time of that initial reading that these were lyrics to songs, some that I'd even listened to in the past.
Bear in mind that this was pre-internet days, and finding out stuff was much, much harder.
Eventually I had to leave, and left the book there, unfortunately I couldn't afford it at the time.
Time moves on, and in 1996 I'd come across the book once again, as well as the portuguese translation of Deborah Curtis's memoirs 'Touching from a distance'. Now, where I found these books and perused them, that I can remember - it was in yet another store that doesn't exist anymore, the old VC kinda but not really megastore downtown. In the second floor there was a book and video section, and while the selection there wasn't very expansive, it would yield the odd nugget or two. I did get a bunch of anime VHS there, as well as some imported books.
I chanced upon these aforementioned books one time whilst there, and I've since experienced a sort of Mandela effect, because I seem to vividly remember a bit in Deborah's book where she mentioned something about Ian not being comfortable with holding his infant daughter Natalie, for fear of dropping her and somehow injuring her, or worse. And yet I never seem to catch that specific part when re-reading the book.
Yet, having been exposed to these writings stirred something in me, and in the coming months I'd experience three more moments where Ian's shadow would loom large in my life.
It's now 1997, and in april of that year Theatre of Tragedy would release an EP called 'A Rose for the Dead' that contained a Joy Division cover - 'Decades'. This was one of the songs that I remembered best from listening to my brother's tapes, or maybe from some local radio. These small towns did have a quite vibrant alternative scene, with plenty of tape trading, and semi-obscure garage parties, and in the small hours of the morning they'd maybe devote an hour or two to these more underground bands.
'Decades' is still my favourite song of theirs, and I've always felt that this cover did them justice.
So it comes as no surprise that this EP became a perennial choice at that particular time. Not long thereafter, I'd work with a guy - wish I could still be in touch with him, but I can't even remember his name - who was massively into Joy Division, and because we both worked the graveyard shift, we'd have these long conversations about the band. There were many things I learned from him about Joy Division, and from him I'd borrow and read those two books, Deborah's and that lyrics anthology.
Not very long after that I'd get the 'Heart and Soul' box set, and I could finally start to fully get the words - both written & sang. Reading the books, listening to the songs, getting to know the man - and the tragedy of his existence, would leave an indelible mark in my life - so much so that I would name my son Ian after him.
It's now 40 years to the day since Ian Curtis took the fateful decision to end his life. I can't even begin to fathom the depths of the despair he must have felt, but I certainly ponder that quite a bit.
I don't think I could take that kind of plunge, not really. However much I wish I could somehow be erased from creation, I wouldn't be able to move myself against me. In truth I can't imagine a way of pulling it off without traumatizing someone deeply.
I've stared long into my own personal abyss, and so often the abyss stares back at me. There's a chasm between who I am in this physical world and who I am in my mind's eye, and I'm yet to learn how to traverse that distance.
I can only stand on the shoulders of the giants that came before me, and learn from their deeds.
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