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Tuesday, August 27, 2024

Day Two hundred and forty - I am the Antichrist to you

A trillion, trillion years from now.  Fifteen million light years. Two million light years. A hundred thousand light years. Ten thousand light years. One hundred light years. One light year. A billion kilometers. One million kilometers. One hundred thousand kilometers. Ten thousand kilometers. One thousand kilometers. One hundred kilometers. Ten kilometers. One thousand metres. One kilometer. Three thousand feet. One meter. One centimeter. One hundred microns. Ten microns. One micron. Point-one microns, or a thousand angstroms. One hundred angstroms. Ten angstroms. One angstrom. Point one angstroms. Point zero-one angstroms. Point zero-zero-one angstroms. I am inside you again, and I am going to burst.

That day you didn't feel sad. Rather, you felt relieved. You felt like you'd been living a lie. Everything felt wrong. You didn't want to be here anymore. You found no faith in yourself that a future was possible. You stopped responding to my texts, and didn't pick the phone when I called. I was getting worried, had something happened to you? The hours went slowly by, and I still couldn't reach you.

I didn't know yet. I didn't know you'd spent hours in the dark thinking about what to do. You could see two roads diverging before you : one would take you to me, and the other would take you far from me. 
Two roads diverged in a wood and you — you took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.

Point zero-zero-one angstroms. Point zero-one angstroms. Point one angstroms. One angstrom. Ten angstroms. One hundred angstroms. Point-one microns, or a thousand angstroms. One micron. Ten microns. One hundred microns.  One centimeter. One meter. One thousand metres. One kilometer. Three thousand feet. Ten kilometers. One hundred kilometers. One thousand kilometers. Ten thousand kilometers. One hundred thousand kilometers. One million kilometers. A billion kilometers. One light year. One hundred light years. Ten thousand light years. A hundred thousand light years. Two million light years. Fifteen million light years. A trillion, trillion years from now. I am back to where I started. I have the talk again with myself. I cannot stop myself. I fall again.

A trillion, trillion years from now. Millions of light years. Hundreds of thousands of light years. Ten thousand light years. One hundred light years. One light year. Millions of kilometers. Thousands of kilometers. One hundred kilometers. Ten kilometers. One thousand metres. One kilometer. Three thousand feet. One meter. One centimeter. One hundred microns. Ten microns. One micron. Point-one microns, or a thousand angstroms. One hundred angstroms. Ten angstroms. One angstrom. Point one angstroms. Point zero-one angstroms. Point zero-zero-one angstroms. I am inside you again, and I am going to burst.

That day you didn't feel anything. Rather, you felt neither sad nor relieved. You felt like a choice had been made for you and you were going along with it. Everything felt numb. You didn't want to think. You didn't even want to move. You stopped responding to my texts, and didn't pick the phone when I called. I was getting worried, had something happened to you? The hours went slowly by, and I still couldn't reach you.

I didn't know yet. I didn't know you'd spent hours in the dark thinking about what to do. You could see two roads diverging before you : one would take you to me, and the other would take you far from me. 
Two roads diverged in a wood and you — 

Point zero-zero-one angstroms. Point zero-one angstroms. Point one angstroms. One angstrom. Ten angstroms. One hundred angstroms. Point-one microns, or a thousand angstroms. One micron. Ten microns. One hundred microns. One centimeter. One meter. One thousand metres. One kilometer. Three thousand feet. Ten kilometers. One hundred kilometers. Thousands of kilometers. Millions of kilometers. One light year. One hundred light years. Ten thousand light years.  Hundreds of thousands of light years. Millions of light years. A trillion, trillion years from now. I am back to where I started. I have the talk again with myself. I cannot stop myself. I fall again.

That day you didn't feel-

Trillion years. Millions of light years. Hundreds of thousands. Tens of thousands. One hundred. One. One billion kilometers. Millions. Thousands, hundreds, tens, one. One meter, one centimeter. One hundred microns. Ten. One. A thousand angstroms. One hundred. Ten One. Point zero one to point zero-zero one. I am inside you again, and I am going to burst.

From angstroms to meter to kilometers. Millions, billions of kilometers. Light years, thousands, millions. A trillion, trillion years from now. I am back to where I started. I have the talk again with myself. I cannot stop myself. I fall again.

That day-

Trillions of years to angstroms.  I am inside you again, and I am going to burst.

That-

Angstroms to trillions of years. I am back. I fall.

Years to angstroms. Inside. Burst.

Angstroms to years. Back. STOP

I is tired. I is overwhelmed, I is, I is, I-I-I-I is, I is speaking, I all is speaking, so many of I, so much of I, so little of I. I-I-I-I is, I isn't. I-I-I-I is losing myself. I. I. I. I can't go on. I must go on. I is echoes, I is ripples. I-I-I-I please. Please. I-I-I-I have to stop. I can't stop. I must fall. I is footsteps growing louder. I is crowded by I, so many of I, so much of I. I... is I silent? I is silence. I coalesce. Slowly at first I. I pours into I. I more. I more me. I am more. I am more of me. I am. I am. I am. I am me. And I look at what's in front of me. I look at at who's in front of me. It was me, waiting for me. Me, seeing me this time. I stand where he wants to fall. I know his pain so well. But mine - ours - is so much greater. I know, he doesn't yet know, and though I tell him the truth, he cares little for it. He who is I, I who is he, who is we, who is us. Come, I say. Let us sit and talk. I hear from my own voice that I am done listening. I have heard these words - or variations thereof - so many times now. I try to persuade, to dissuade, to negotiate. Come, I say. STOP, I plead. This is a losing battle of wills : an unstoppable force rushing headlong against an unmovable object. I am going to fall again. He is going to fall. We are going to fall. And then we hear it, for the first time ever : the sound of her wings. 

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