Today's post has been challenging. It has been a couple of paragraphs, it has been hundreds of words, it's a three thousand word plus document, it has been a single line. I've written, I've deleted, I gave up on what I wanted to write, I went back to it. For the first time since I started writing regularly again, I'm afraid about what I write here. I'm fearful about the impact of my words. And these are not thoughts that crossed my mind when I returned to my blog. I did this fully expecting never to be read by a living soul.
I want to disappear. To be somewhere far from here. Off the grid, disconnected, away. From all. From everything. From everyone. That way I wouldn't be able to hurt anyone but myself. I've given up on so much already, what's one more abandoned project in the vast collection of discarded endeavours I started? No one would miss me. No one would miss my words.
You can't see me. You can't see my face. You can't see my trembling hands as I write. When I tell you to love him and not me, I do so with tears running down my face. Every single word in those sentences hurt, like a dagger being plunged deep in my heart. But I say them. I say them. I say them though I cry, and I hurt. I say them though... No. I will never be a memory.
I am all those memories. I am all those moments. I am all that was and all that never was. Everything and nothing. Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
So much of what I hoped and dreamed.
Our hearts beating as one, to the melody of love.
Forever entwined in soul and body.
I love you more than any man.
Always and all ways. Forever and for ever. World without end.
You were everything. You are everything. And though we are bound to be forever apart, you are the love of my life. You always will be.
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