Day Two hundred and fifty three - We are shadows

We walked out of the movie theater in silence. Your arm looped around mine, and you drew closer to me. Then you asked me, 'So... did you like the movie?'. I stopped where we were, and tried to answer your question. My mouth opened, then shut, then opened again. 'I, uh... huh. I am... confused? Wasn't this supposed to be some sort of romantic comedy?'. I saw you nodding your head pensively, and then you pulled me down to the entrance, where the movie posters were. 'Well, someone must've seen a very different movie', you said as you read out the blurbs of the reviews. 'Either that or they have a seriously weird sense of humour.'. I leaned down to read one of the reviews, whoever it was that made the review said they couldn't stop laughing. The movie had them in stitches. 'I don't think I laughed a single time', I said, as I straightened up. 'Did you?', I asked. 'Nuh-uh. Do you think maybe they showed the wrong movie? Sometimes screw ups like that can happen'., you suggested. 'Shit', I said, 'what if that was what happened? Jesus Christ, now I have to now. Do you want to watch it again?'

Some days later we went to a different theater, to watch the movie again, nurturing the hope that the wrong reel had been loaded up. Sure enough, it was the same movie. We walk out again in silence. 'Well', you said, 'that was fun. That's two more hours of our lives we will never get back.' I gave you a wicked smile, and replied 'Yeah, we could've left any time we wanted. Why didn't we?' I was playful when I asked you that, teasing you. 'You know I like staying by your side', you said. Then a sudden sadness overcame you, and you said 'I just want to be by your side. You know that, right? Are.. are you going to leave me?', you asked, and I felt taken aback by your question. I faced you, the flickering neon lights casting intermittent shadows on our faces. 'Why would you ask me that?', I asked. 'Why...', but my voice broke and I couldn't finish my sentence. The shadows moved from our faces, and down our bodies, creating a barricade between us. For one very long and agonizing moment, the silence between us hurt. There seemed to be a distance that proved to be far too much for us to cross. Tears now streamed down your face. Silver tears, diamond tears. I cupped your face in my hands, and said 'Never'.

We made our way home without a word said, that night. There hung a tetchy kind of peace between us, a hitherto unearthed pain clawing its way out. Was that something you'd been thinking about before? Did you want me to leave, so you wouldn't want to be the one who left? I felt my heart tighten at these thoughts. We get home, and I go straight to the kitchen to have a drink of water. The soft click of the door let's me know you went to the toilet. It's a few seconds later when I hear the unmistakable sound of you crying. I go to the door, gently tap it, ask you what's going on. No reply. I try to open the door, it's locked. I heave a sigh, as I let my head rest against the door. 'Open the door, please.', I say. The crying intensifies. I turn my back to the door, and slide down until I am sitting slumped down on the floor. For a while, there's only the sound of us crying. Then I feel a soft thump on my back, as I feel you leaning against the other side of the door. You breathe in. I breathe out. I breathe in. You breathe out.

'I'm sorry', you say. 'I'm sorry.' I wave your words away, you don't have to apologize. 'Can we.. can we just talk?', I plead. There's a door between us, but it might as well be a wall. 'I just got my period.', you say. 'Oh', I say, and before I could say anything else, you continue, 'You don't understand. I thought I was pregnant. And I was scared. What if I was? What if I wasn't? I didn't know how you'd feel, we never really talked about these things.' My head swam, I felt like I was on tenterhooks. I tried to speak but the words seemed to get stuck in my throat. 'I thought that this was going to save us.', you said. I sink my head between my hands. 'I didn't know we needed saving', I said, amid a sea of tears. 'Will you open the door', I said, as I stood up. Your voice came from down below, very dim, just on the edge of hearing. 'You hate me now', you said. I'm breaking, every word shatters me. 'You are the love of my life. Please don't do this. Let me go to you.'

There's a wall of silence now. A clear and present sense of fear. We stand on the threshold of something momentous. I sit back down, leaning my back against the wall, my back to you, and yours to mine. Light floods from the toilet, merging with the light of the hallway. You mourn a lengthening shadow, past the door, and for a brief moment it joins mine on the wall, and we embrace. I've let myself fall down to the floor. I feel the taste of stale dust as I inhale. I hear the door open, and you step around me. You join me where I lay, spooning yourself against me. 'Hold me', you said.