North. As far north as I can go, far enough to be completely alone. It's far colder now than I have ever felt, but it will be much colder soon. This is it. This is the moment. The time has come to let it go, to let it all go, for good and all. It's something I never had in my life before. So this is permanence... I breathe in, and the intake of freezing air chills my lungs. I look around, and all I see is an ocean of white snow. So much of it. So void of life, so empty, so beautiful. There's almost no noise, but nor is it absolutely silent. The sighing wind seems to sing, it sings your name. Your name, etched on my heart and soul, burned into my mind. I miss you. I miss you so much.
I steel myself. What lies ahead will be hard to bear, and I say a silent prayer before I start takings my clothes off. There is no turning back, the Rubicon has been crossed. A silent thud signals the beginning. My gloves and woolen hat fall on the cold snow. I keep walking. Every few steps something else will get left behind. I leave a bread crumb trail of sadness in my wake. The jacket comes off, so does my undershirt. A stray gust of wind picks them up, and off into the distance they're thrown. It's so cold. Please let let it end fast. Please. I keep walking.
I feel my legs starting to cramp up, they've become exceedingly heavy. Each step I take is torture. I pause, and take off my trousers. I'm down to my underwear now. Everything hurts. Everything burns. Step by step, I walk on. It's cold, so cold, I feel her icy fingers wrap around my heart. It's time. It's no time. No time. No time. No time. No time. Time without a time. It's everything without a time. I'm going back, back to you, my mind goes back to you. Do you still remember me? That first, nervous kiss. I am now completely bare. Oh. Oh. It hurts, my love, it hurts so much. I see you naked next to me, your warmth, your fragrance, the nearness of you. I am there in that moment now. I relive it, wishing against all hope that it might've continued forever. I started crying some minutes ago, and my tears have become icicles that rend and pierce my flesh. Everything hurts. But not as much as my heart hurts.
How did I fall to my knees? I can't even remember. I... where am I? How did I get here? Then comes recollection. I was lost. I am lost. All is lost. All is... everything is... everything is... everything. I rise again, finding strength where none exists. One step. Two steps. On my knees again. I see a field, endless, of white flowers, leading to peaceful white shores. I try to get up. I can't I can't I can't. Fallen lovers and earthbound demons call to me. I am coming, I am coming. I am going to die.
'I swear I'll never leave you', you promised. I wish it had been different. All of it. I do. Ah jesus, my feet are swollen and black. I can't go on. I must go on. I can't go on. I am crawling now, on my knees like a child, like a child again, the way you made me feel when I was in your arms. I lie sprawling in the snow. The sky isn't blue, the sky isn't grey, it's white, it's cold, it's in me and all around me. I see falling stars. Fallen stars. I see apparitions in the haze, they crowd me, a succession of you saying goodbye. Singing goodbye. I see it now. I see. I see. Everything. My god, I see everything. The burning snow on my body is piercing me to my core. My heart beats so slow. The colours to fade. The hourglass is drained. There's only one breath left in me, and everything is illuminated. I breathe in, the cold air freezing the life out of my lungs. I'm already far away before I even breathe out.
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