The decision to leave wasn't an easy one. Though I'd done it in the past, sometimes out of a desire to do away with this world of tethers, sometimes out of necessity, this time something else weighed heavy on my mind. If I did this, if I took this one final step, there would be no coming back. And was that a Rubicon I was prepared to cross? To go, to finally go, and never return? I had to. I had to. I had to go. I had long ago stopped thinking about happiness - and this wasn't about happiness, it was about peace. I had none here. Call me weak, call be gullible, but I was always just a text message away from my fix. That sweet drug I couldn't give up on, chasing the dragon, but always coming out singed. And now what's left me is charred and tarred. I have. I have to go.
My mind lingered on you once again. If my resolve wavered, I'd lie down on the bed and it would still have your fragrance. It would still smell of you, of us, of sex, and last night. It was good, damn good. It always is. But I always wake up to find you gone, and I was left hanging for the tiniest scrap of nothing, a morsel that I'd devour eagerly. I want to stay, a big part of me does. But it would destroy me. It would kill me. And so, for peace's sake, I leave.
I'd been planning everything for a while. Sold all my books. Sold all my records. Kept only what I could carry, what I would need. I was hoping you'd have noticed when you came in like a hurricane, but your mind was on the moment, and on the moment only. My apartment was so bare, almost spartan. You cared not. You noticed nothing. But that was ok, it was something I had gotten used to. I lock the door behind me. As I do so, I know I will never, ever open it again.
I catch a bus north, a three hour ride away, and I sleep all the way there. I feel anxious and lightheaded when I wake up, but also like some weight had been lifted from me. The flight will take me further north, and then I'm on my own. I am leaving. I am living. Some days from now you'll be receiving a letter I posted to you yesterday. I wonder if you'll read it or just throw it away. I had to tell you that I love you one last time. And now, now it's time. Time for everything. Everything without a time. My heart stays behind, do you know where it lies? 'It lies with me', cried the Queen of Maybe.
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