This succesion of people, coming in and going out of my life at a steady pace, would have some very adverse effects in me, but on a mental and emotional level, but on a professional level as well. Let's break this down, the mental and emotional part first. There are a few bits in my life where I look back and feel no measure whatsoever of pride for the person I was. The guy I was then... as much as I want to say that I was a product of all the circumstances, ultimately the responsibility lay on my shoulders, for the greater part. I felt like I wasn't worthy of love - something I feel to this day - and so I stopped caring. I stopped getting attached. I stopped feeling. I was becoming someone cold. There was far too great a number of people that wandered in and out of my life after Sara - some I bitterly regret having allowed them in, others I felt that had the circumstances been different, then something interesting might've been eked out. None of them were ever to be. After Sara there was another Claudia, then almost another Ana - a bullet dodged as well - and then another Sara. Then there were the countless others whose name I can't remember anymore, and whose faces are now all but a blur to me. I doubt I'd recognize any of them now, and to be fair - none of them would recognize me now. That guy they knew and had their fun with doesn't exist anymore. Hasn't existed anymore in many, many a year.
All the while this was happening, I was leading my life at the most bohemian level - I'd go out and get drunk pretty much every night, sometimes I'd sleep in, sometimes I'd not go to work at all, or arrive late. I'd fallen out of love with what I was doing there. I no longer felt that urge I'd once felt to go to work and stay there for 12 hours or more. In fact, I started feeling like I'd like to spend as many hours there as humanly possible, and I managed to have a cut in working hours, and started working part-time only. Not that it did much - if, indeed, anything - to bring that spark I once had. My work days, even though they were now just half of what they had been, were something that I felt I had to power through. I'd really begun disliking my time there. But here's the thing... I was under permanent contract, and I had in mind to negotiate with them my exit - it could be something that was mutually benefitial. But I never had time to act upon it. Sometime during mid-summer '04, I went on holiday for a couple of weeks, and on my first day back I was summoned to the manager's office - not my boss, but his - and I was told in no uncertain terms that I had been fired. They accused me of something which I was sure I didn't do... and I didn't do this was tactic they employed to get rid of people they didn't want anymore. I was stupid enough to fall for it, and quite a few people that I viewed as my friends there and in whom I'd placed my trust, turned out to be nothing but backstabbers. Karma is a motherfucker, though, because they'd all get their comeuppance soon enough.
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