Day One hundred and thirteen - Say hello, wave goodbye

You know, to the surprise of absolutely no-one, Sara and me really didn't last long. No one ever did with me, and you'll only hear about one single long term relationship I've had, and that would be a couple of years in the future - Sara and me split in up early 2004. We lasted more than me and Claudia, and a hell of a lot more than me and Ana for sure, but it really wasn't by that much. A couple of months, maybe three months tops? What we had wasn't very tangible. I knew it then, and I realized that that feeling was true even later on, but I was never really there. I did like Sara, but I don't think I really felt love for her - though I think she did.

Sara was... wilder than me. She was on a different level. And I don't know if I had mentioned this or not, but she had turned 18 not long before we met. There was a disconnect between us, to be sure, and not just because of our age gap. I was 26, going on 27, and already I felt I was several gears slower than her. She was very into that whole BDSM thing - her job was actually as a well paid dominatrix, and I never got past the feeling that she might've been up to other stuff, like being an escort or something like that. A couple of times I went to meet her and she was arriving with some other guy, and I always felt like that was really odd. Maybe that contributed to me not connnecting? 

I'd venture to say that what we had was all but immemorable. I know - though I do still have a soft spot for her, because I did really like her as a person - that much of what we experienced together isn't what I'd call the highlights of my life. But I also would be remiss if I didn't say that there were good moments for us - though I don't think we were happy together, there were moments of happpiness between us. The very time we slept together was a fun one - I told her that I didn't want to have sex straight away, and her sleeping buck naked next to me was really hard - on a number of levels - for me, but the following morning when we woke up, she didn't give me any choice, really. It's funny, I know we had sex a bunch of times, but I can only remember about three different times : this one I just wrote about, which was the first one, then a little later the time when she let me have anal with her - she was into it - and then the time when she first told me she loved me, all the while I was happily drilling her, on the hotel room where I'm pretty sure her norwegian lover was sleeping right next to us. Or listening to us having sex. I don't know. I just knew that all this really wasn't for me.