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Friday, April 19, 2024

Day One hundred and ten - Ana

Ana didn't just break my heart, though she really did. It's an uncanny thing, I know, to write about something that lasted maybe two weeks, but I fooled myself into thinking that she was my soulmate. I'm the type of romantic idiot that believes in that kind of shit. I blame no one other than myself for being like this - I always end up setting myself up for heartbreak, but still... Ana hurt. But she didn't just break my heart. No, she also broke the trust I placed in her. You see, with Dora we spent years barely talking to one another, other than the most mundane things. We rarely had deep, meaningful talks, we'd stopped having them years back. And with Claudia, I don't think that we had something that was truly deep - the more I think about that iteration of us, the more I realize just how carnally driven it all was. But Ana... I opened myself uo to her. I told her things about me no one - not even Dora, with whom I spent nigh on eight years of my life - ever knew. I told her what dreams I had, and how I would love nothing more to have them come true. That bit where I told her I'd love to have a baby girl, and she'd be called Cassandra? A few years later she'd be having a baby girl, and what was she named? Cassandra. And yet, that's just a tiny bit of it. I really told her a lot about me, quiet likely too much. And I gave her too much, as well. I gave, and I gave, and I gave. I fucking gave her too much. One of the very first things I learned about her was that her favourite band was Moonspell, and me being a longtime fan and collector, I just found myself gifting her the most treasured items of my collection - vinyl editions of their very early material. Not that she asked for it, and not that she offered to return it afterwards; rather, she displayed an arrogant, cavalier attitude that made it look that it was only befitting that I part with my prized items and give them to her. What an absolute idiot I was -  and indeed, still am.

Though me and Ana were a couple for a short time only, unfortunately we went out to the same places, and I always ended up seeing her with someone else. I always felt sad, but I understood that the choice wasn't mine. I know now I dodged a big bullet, one that - just like Claudia, and at the same time, would eventually try to come back into my life. 

So, Ana being gone from my life, I just had to stay put. I wouldn't have do do anything, because back then, trouble would find me. I wouldn't go looking for it, but oh boy, would it find me nevertheless. And so it was that after a few months of lying low a hurricane of a girl called Sara would come a-knocking.

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