Shit, today has been an uncannily bad day. So much so that I'm feeling completely destroyed right now. It's been a shitty day heaped on a string of shitty days and I'm feeling emptied of me, of everything. All because I had a doctor's appointment, and good golly me, I wasn't told anything that I wasn't expecting. In fact, all the things that are wrong with me I already know, I've already known for far too long, but I have been working on fixing them, on fixing myself. And that takes time, as well as effort, and a will that must be ironclad. And days like today, days like today I find it incredibly hard to be strong. So I wasn't, I boke down, I let it overwhelm me, consume me, and be paralyzed by it.
I suppose the trick is using today's events to teach me that, even though a part of me feels like an utter waste of space, this was just one day. Just one day. And tomorrow, tomorrow I pick myself up again, and start again, and move forward. I must move forward, forward, upwards, north. Maybe a day such as this was needed to fuel the crucible in which the next 'me' will be forged. Maybe a day such as this will serve as an indication of what is to come. But I'd be lying if today wasn't a day where I felt the loneliest. I needed, and missed, having someone to talk to. I dare never disturb those closest to me whenever I have such a bad day, but how I wish things had been different, that my choices had been others when I was younger. How I wished I could have come back home and gotten a warm hug. How I scold myself for thinking I'm deserving of one. Atonement is a motherfucker, old man, and you pay for the sins you committed. I feel so sad inside my heart. I feel so sad inside my soul.
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