Day Three hundred and twenty - The wake of the angel

There's a feeling I get about myself and my purpose in life, it's something that I have felt for many, many years now, and no matter what - nothing I experience seems to dissolve that train of thought from my reasoning. So, probably since my mid-twenties, I started detecting a pattern in the lives of the people who I was in relationships with. And granted, this is not something that always happened, but it happened often enough that I started to take notice : almost always after me, whoever it was I'd been with previously would end up meeting someone who would come to be of utmost importance to them, they'd be their spouses or they'd have children together, that sort of thing. And for a long while, though I was aware of the pattern, I couldn't rightly rationalize or even verbalize it. It would be only about a decade ago or so that I realized that I was all but a stepping stone for whomever crossed my life, and they'd inevitably be on their way to something better. I realized that the pattern extended to not only people who were physically present in my life at one point or the other, but also to those who I knew only on a virtual, digital level. My presence - and the consequences thereof - would serve as enabler and facilitator of relationship ending crises and though a part of me always wished that I'd somehow be given a chance, or even the ghost of a chance, it never came. And why would it? For far too long I felt sad and dejected for not being seen as a viable option, but I am now fully aware why. The coming year will be an important one, with a major, major decision to be done fairly early on. I just need my heart to still itself, to steel itself, for what comes next will be something that will last the rest of my life.