Day eight - Another desire

Before I start delving into the past and what was, I'm going to write a bit about what I'd like for the future and what will hopefully be. So one of the things that's been on my mind for a long while now is how I basically just stopped living, these past few years. Anything and everything I used to do, I just stopped. I haven't gone out in years - well, other than for the occasional meal and drink with a few friends, but that's here and there only. No outings like I used to, and that's not a bad thing really... maybe I'm just not that kind of person anymore, maybe I don't feel comfortable in those spaces anymore. I've not been to a concert in a very long time, nor have I been going to the movies frequently... to be honest I hardly ever go nowadays. Nothing seems to strike my particular fancy.

But more than this, and this is what bugs me the most, is how I just stopped going to the places where I felt at home and at peace, even if sometimes I would have people around me. Look, I literally have a train station on my doorstep that takes me to one of my most favourite places - Sintra - in less than an hour. I used to just hop on the train, and spend an afternoon there, whether in summer or winter, be completely lost in thought, listening to music, writing on a journal or reading... when the time was right, for this particular service is only in operation during certain months of the year, I'd catch the tram down to the beach and just enjoy that whimsical journey. When taken during the autumn, it can be magical.

And I just sort of gave it all up. Oh, I came up with numerous excuses - the prospect of accidentally meeting an ex that works not very far from where the train station in Sintra is, or of bumping into someone from my past on the train ride, something that, believe me, is wholly possible... well, these things alone, in and of themselves, were daunting enough to start keeping me at bay. I started to apply this twisted rationale to pretty much everything I did : everything time I pondered going somewhere, I came up with far too many cons, and not enough pros. Staying still at home became by default the easier choice.

And damn.. I miss that. I miss living. Not necessarilly the going out bit, though a part of me sort of yearns for the confidence to do it again, but to just do the things I used to love. I owe myself a good summer - I've not had one in god knows how long. But I also owe myself my favourite season - Winter. If summer is the season of life, then winter is the season of the soul. I miss my long walks through the forest in winter's bleakest days. And I highly doubt that I'll be able to do it this very winter, but I swear I shall work on it so that the next one will be fully enjoyed.