Day two - Arriving somewhere but not here

 Also : arriving somewhere but not now, I guess. 

It's like this - I do know what I have to do, I have always known. But in betwixt knowing and having the discipline to perservere, well... therein lies the rub. In me resides the knowledge of where I am and where I see myself. But the road between is fraught with many dangers and temptations, and they're there because I allow them to be there.

So : the state in which I'm currently in, I'd say it began circa 2016. There are things - many things - that led to then, and to now, but all will be told in due time. What I remember is that I went from feeling on top of the world late 2016 - I was in tip-top shape, I was not really but kind of dating a girl I really liked (she'll be henceforth known as Silvia H., and I make this distinction because eventually I'll speak of another, more significant Silvia), I was content with the work I was doing, and still in fact do, I was writing some occasional articles for a music zine. Life was... not necessarily good, but liveable. And that, really, was enough. It's always enough for me, I'm easily contented with not much, really. That might help explain some things that happened before, but all in due time. Early 2017 a lot of stuff happened / started to happen. For one, that thing with Silvia H. ended - not acrimoniously, not with a bang, but rather with a whimper. Things were said between us that made it likely that we'd never see each other again. The whole situation was very complicated because she was married and had kids, so I was the side hustle. And I always knew I couldn't make any kind of demands, because I'd never be able to give her the kind of life that she already had. Her happiness being of paramount importance to me, from then on I kept my distance, to the point where we don't talk anymore. That same time frame, a weird thing started happening to my right leg - whenever I walked it hurt like hell, and before it got better, I stupidly made it a lot worse. It took a lot of treatment, and a lot of medication and therapy in order to overcome that particular ordeal. Ultimately that led me to stop exercising almost entirely. Oh, to be sure, every now and again I'd try to pick up where I left, but my heart's never been really in it. More fool me, then.

Picture this : virtually no exercise, I was on a chemical cocktail I would not wish on my worst enemy, I only ate crap... and then came the alcohol. Not that I didn't like drinking, I'd been doing it since my teens, and sometimes I drank a lot, but... it was never like it turned out to be this time. This time... I'm not so sure if I didn't become an alcoholic or not. But more on that tomorrow.