Day twelve - Why don't you find out for yourself?

Pretty much like everything else in my life, what I write here won't necessarily be linear. Meaning that here and there I may deviate from my intended purpose, but I'll come back - I'll always come back. So today I'm taking a step back from what I was doing here and vent for a bit. And I'm doing just that because today was not a good day. Not a bad day, by any stretch of the imagination, but not a good one. You see, where I am right now is at a junction in this journey or whatever where the smallest thing can derail it. It's still too early, still too fragile, and I know far too well what it is to start this process and have it all fall apart because I created the circumstances for that downfall. I began last year with the same mindset, and I made a choice for which I knew I wouldn't be ready, and the consequences of that choice led me down what was quite probably my worst year in a very long time. I chose to chastise myself over that choice for the best part of last year, so I can ill afford to let the same thing happen now. And I don't really want it to.

One thing that is becoming increasingly prevalent is that this thing I'm doing, I have to do it on my own, with little to no distractions. I can't depend on or trust anyone else to help me get through this. I refuse that dependence. And that will help mitigate any attrition I might be liable to encounter. I knew that coming into this iteration of my trek towards feeling better, some of my very bad vices would have to go - and for me the easiest of those to do away with was the poison I drank daily : the alcohol, the sodas, the energy drinks. That alone has been having an impact in me, I already feel less swollen, and while not necessarily lighter per se, I do feel a bit more limber. The next step, while keeping this discipline up, is to start exercising. 

But for all this to happen and keep happening at the same time, for as long as possible, I can't afford to have a moment like today where an altercation with someone who I know cares deeply for me and only wants the best for me - my grandmother - almost left me out of sorts. It shouldn't have happened, none of it should have happened. But now I know better - I know how to circumvent these issues now. I know what to do in order for them not to happen, though it means a little bit more of me being closed to the world. For the moment, at least, it's the best course of action.

Well, that's it, rant done. I thought I'd better just get this thing off my chest and let my head do the cooking. I need to feel lighter not only in body, but in the mind as well.