Day four - This is yesterday

The first time I wrestled with depression, even though I wasn't aware that that was what I was going through, must've started bay back in '98 or so. Looking back at that particular time in my life, I know that I wasn't a particularly happy person, rather I was very content with everything I had. There's a pattern there, for sure, this contentment that so easily enevelops me.

But then I was OK with life as it was, I didn't feel there was much that needed improving, nor did I make any effort to do so. However, I know where my unhappiness mainly stemmed from : I was stuck in a relationship that had no future whatsoever and one that would yield a child in '99, and instead of ending things when they should have come to a close, I let it slide. But to be fair, I really liked her... however it was much more as a friend than anything else. We had a sort or relationship that fizzled out quickly and then continued mostly out of convenience. Again, it's that contentment thing : I didn't even overly care for the lack of sex between us, because things were OK as they were. OK enough, at least.

But not caring about the state of our relationship meant also not caring for myself. During that time, I began a trek down a path not unlike the one that led me here : though I wasn't drinking other than casually, my eating habits and my lack of exercise led me to gaining a lot of weight. For the next few years, I truly did not care for how overweight I was; maybe I was in denial, maybe I just didn't feel it. It only crashed down on me when on a work-related visit to the doctor I was told that I was obese.

Obese? What the hell? Who's obese? Not me, that's for sure. Because when you think of obese people you think of very overweight people with huge bellies and who only wear XXXL+ clothes. And I realized that was me. I also realized that somewhere along the way I'd lost the habit of looking at myself in the mirror, excepting for when I shaved, and then I saw only my face's reflection, which at the time seemed perfectly normal to me.

That day, that very day, then and there I put in motion events that would lead me to shed all that extra weight I'd gained. Jesus, those were some hard months. I ran every day, and OK, maybe it wasn't very much nor for very long, but I did it every single day. And I destroyed my back doing abs workouts on the floor of my living room. Also, obviously, I cut everything that was detrimental to me healthwise from my life. 

I miss that guy. I miss that gumption. That will that felt so indomitable. 

That was not my last fall, inbetween I had moments where I lapsed, and moments where I picked up myself from the floor.

I look back now and search for that past self, in search for the inspiration needed for the coming trials.