An interregnum, if you will. My mind, when it's at its most idle, is certainly something to behold, and I write this in not a so positive light. Oh, it doesn't mean that I end up doing some stupid thing that can be measured in a pactical way - these are mostly affairs of the hypothetical realm.
What I mean by this is that sometimes - not very often, bur far more often than I would really wish - I find myself coming up with these scenarios that are so unlikely, they boggle the mind. And the unlikelihood comes from the fact that me, as I am, in this point in my life, and at this particular moment of space and time, could not possibly afford to either have nor chase after. This, of course, relates to the possibility of me entering a relationship with someone. You see, years ago I realized that I could not have anyone in my life, certainly not before I fixed myself. Because there is a form of chaos in my life that I can't yet control, it would be a foolish thing to invite someone to dwell in it. I learned my lesson years ago when I opened up a window for such an opportunity, and within minutes of meeting someone I had travelled hours to meet, that what I did was supremely unwise - for all parties. It was neither wise nor productive nor... nor anything, really. I should have known better, because by that time I'd already decided that the best course of action would be to keep to myself - and keep on keeping that way. But the undeniable truth is that the flesh is heir to specific weaknesses... and when the chance to sate those appetites is presented to you on a platter, it becomes hard to say no. And I knew... I knew... that I wasn't ready to dive into something meaningful, and that I couldn't give anything worthwhile, and still I went. In search of what, really? Companionship? Sex? A chance for something more? The first was questionable, the second a given, and the third a vague possibility.
And so, because I deny myself any such instances, because I have shunned myself from the physical and virtual world as possible, in terms of engagement at least, all that comes with having someone in my life is utterly beyond me, and I do not harbour any hope - nor do I think that I shall seek it in the future - even if I manage to rebuild myself back up again.
Ultimately what that does is create those moments where my imagination runs wild and I see things in my mind that can't now be, and maybe never ever will. These outlines my mind creates always leave me feeling somewhat empty on the inside, because they remind me of what is absent. They make me crave the touch of a hand, or of the opening gambit of a romance... But I can't. Not now, and maybe really not ever again.
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