Day One hundred and seventy five - Suicide is painless

While it was never an easy decision, deciding to kill myself wasn't that much of a stretch. I was in pain, I was suffering, I didn't want to be alive. I couldn't see anything worthwhile for me in my future; in fact I could not, indeed, see a future for me at all. But I was faced with a questiuon I could not easily answer : how to do it? See, I admit I'm a coward. I would not jump in front of a truck or a train. I'd be too afraid to survive somehow and spend the rest of my life as an invalid. Though I have a train station close by and sometimes fast moving cargo trains go by, and I did picture sitting myself on the train track, and leaning my head towards the train as it approached. Instant death, I'd imagine, either my neck would break instantly or my melon would just fly off. But those options presented another dilemma to me. I'd have to traumatize multiple people if I chose such a public display of offing myself. I'd traumatize the poor soul that was driving the bus or the ruck or the train, and I'd also traumatize whoever happened to witness. Likewise If I chose to jump off a building, or a bridge. I'd have to traumatize way too many people, and I don't think it would be as quick as other options, and again - I was too afraid I'd survive.

So I narrowed it down to two options : one, I could do it at home, and though I'd be far too much of a coward to slit my wrists, and I don't really have somewhere I could hang myself at home, what I could do was get an overdose and hopefully die. I'd only end up traumatizing my immediate family because they'd find my dead body. That was an option that was on the cards, but still - I didn't want to cause that trauma on them.

And then I found the perfect solution : no one would know immediately, eventually maybe my body would be found, but I would not causing such traumatic pain on my family. Please understand that these were the thoughts of a mind that wasn't well, who was drowned in pain and grief, and everything made perfect sense to me then. I never once considered the kind of pain and suffering I'd be putting everyone through had I actually gone ahead. These thoughts never once crossed my mind. I could only think about the best was to die. And so what was that one perfect solution? Well, I reasoned that the best, most efficient, least traumatizing way - though decidedly not as quick as I'd have wished - would be for me to go down with the waves. I had a plan now, I'd chosen new year's eve to do it. I'd quietly say my goodbyes to everyone, spend the last few hours of my life on a beach near a place that has always been dear to me, get well and truly drunk, and as the new year was ringing in, I'd walk down to the water, keep on walking, and let the waves carry me from this world. That was the plan.

What I didn't plan on was on my son saving me before I could go ahead.