I don't often swell on these moments, I've decided not to revisit them for my own sake. I do so now because I want to finally let it all ebb out from me. There are some things now that feel pretty weird to think about, and for a long time now I've had this strange feeling that these things did not, in fact, happen to me, but to someone else. It's really fucked up because sometimes I have a memory or I go a by a place where me and Sofia were together, and it just feels like it could have been anybody else... not me.
It's undeniable that most of this relationship was a time filled with love, and joy, and great sex, and illusion. Sofia had said 'yes' when I asked to marry me, and we even had a date set for September 2013. We'd sometimes go to IKEA and we'd fantasize about what furniture we'd buy. Though Sofia was still doing her Master's degree, which meant that she wasn't working, and had little money to spare. That meant that pretty much all expenses were covered by me. If we went out, I paid for it. If we ate out, I paid for it. If we went to the movies, I paid for it. Hell, I even started paying for her train pass. But I cared little about the money I spent, all I cared about was making her happy and being with her. Sure, that meant that I pretty much never had any money left for myself, but I chalked it all up as a willing sacrifice towards something better.
We even talked about kids - though her son was still young when we met, he'd have been about five or six at the time, she too was so infatuated with the idea of us that she allowed these dreams to percolate. I loved that notion - I hoped fervently that the day came when we could have a daughter. We were making plans, a little bit at a time, and everything seemed possible. We got along so stupidly well in all aspects of our relationship that it was hard to believe that we wouldn't have a future.
One day, Sofia took me to a place near where we first kissed, and she showed me her dream house. She said that she often thought about that place, and us living there as a family. Truth is, I would have lived with her anywhere - in fact, there was a time where things weren't going so great between and her mom, and I told her that she could move in whenever she wanted to. But she said that one day we would have our place. A place all for ourselves, and the kids we had, and the kids we'd make. It was such a beautiful sight. It was a hell of a vision.
As I stood with her that day and looked at where she wanted us to one day live, I couldn't help but love her more. It seemed like a place for us to dream.
No comments:
Post a Comment