Day One hundred and forty nine - My desire

There were two things that characterized our relationship, and I'll write about the first now. Firstly, there was a terrible excitemement between us : because of the circumstances under which we'd met, sparks flew between us, especially during the first few months. Though I resisted her at first; that second time we'd met she'd told me that she couldn't stop thinking about me, and that she was wildly in love with her. As for me... I was attracted to her, sure, and wanted to unspeakable things to her, but at first I was more in love with the idea of her rather than Filipa herself. But she was... enthusiastic. Sex was pretty good at the beginning, our life together was pretty wild back when we first started going out. Soon, I'd start spending my nights over at her place - she shared a flat with another girl - but that would prove to be our undoing. There was always too much nearness - and never enough distance so we'd miss each other. But damn, those first few months... I've never met anyone who drank as much as her, ate as much as her, and still looked so goddamned hot as she did. We got so, so drunk most every night we were together. Sometimes, we'd drink her place dry, and we had to go out in the middle of the night searching for some place that was still open and sold booze. Those were good times. They were also times when I put on a lot of weight - what with waking up hungover so often, I'd stopped going to the gym. 

This was pretty much it for the first part of our relationship, good - but not really great - sex, booze and crappy food, me getting fat. Then, as so often happens, we were the victims of that which breeds contempt : familiarity. Things stopped being good, things stopped happening, and even the sex became a chore. Our days together were spent getting drunk and then, if it was a day off for me, we'd stay in bed until late and we got hungry and we'd go out for food and booze. We kept this thing going for a few months but by late 2011 we'd be getting close to our time together being done. In fact, and for reasons that now escape me, by December that year we'd already split up - or maybe we just took some time off, whatever. But Filipa and I kept in touch, and she asked me if I'd want sto spend new year's eve with her. She told me that I'd been the most important person for her that year, and she really wanted to spend that night with me. Of course I went, and of course everything got rekindled again, and of course I finally admitted to myself something I'd been keeping at bay for so, so long. I did like Filipa, and I did like being with her, and I did like our time together. But the trouble was that I was in love with someone else. I loved someone else.