Day One hundred and twenty three - Dangerous

I knew going in, that when I went to meet up with Catherine, that things wouldn't be likely to go that well. And by this I mean to say I already knew that Catherine and I just weren't meant to be - though far away now, my heart still beat for Sara. It's stupid, I know, but I just couldn't let got of what I felt. I just couldn't forget her. I did try, but this being the era when social networks really began being a thing - me and her were friends on Hi5 - it felt like she was still an ubiquitous presence in my life. And we never really stopped talking, we spoke on messenger all the time. I hoped that if I wento to be with Catherine then everything else might be assuaged, but there was too big an ocean between what we wanted for our lives. Back then I stil harboured the notion of really settling down, and maybe having more children - a baby girl, at the very least - and Catherine's priorities were completely opposite to that. Her focus was academia and then her career, and who could blame her? Someone of that caliber was surely bound to have a really bright future ahead. So I stayed there with her in Brighton for a few weeks, we had bad sex a few times, went out once or twice, but most of our time together there was just whiling away the hours, often in silence, until we went to sleep, and the following day the process would begin anew. After a few weeks I went back to Luton, and I guess both me and Catherine understood that we'd never be together again, and I also realized that I was feeling truly miserable there, and I wanted nothing more than go back gome again. I started making my plans for my return - I was fast running out of money, so I needed to buy the cheapest flight possible. As I recall it, I returned home just before Christmas 2005 - I told Catarina that I'd be spending the holidays with my son, and then I'd be back. I even left pretty much everything I'd taken with me there.

Not only did I never return - well, at least not to Luton - but I never talked to Catarina again. This was not on purpose, or by design, it's just how things played out. Maybe she, too, knew that I was leaving and didn't plan on returning.

Back home, once again, and that Rubicon I'd crossed, hoping that it would carry me onwards, was crossed again on my way back with my tail between my legs, so to speak. And, of course, one of the very first things I do when I got back is get together with Sara. It was a wise thing I did, because enough time had passed for me to realize I'd been clinging on to a fantasy. There were things in her I barely recognized anymore, and things I once had found endearing had become things I actively disliked. I don't think I've seen her more than once or twice since then.