Day One hundred and thirty one - Destroy everything you touch

Why indeed. And therein lies the rub - I wanted nothing at all to do with her; in fact I was getting to finally come to grips with what I felt for Silvia. Increasingly, I knew that I loved her - not just feeling it, knowing it. And in the meantime I returned to the Netherlands to visit her - an unplanned thing, well, from her part as least. I started planning it as soon as I'd been with her there the first time. And it could've gone horribly wrong... for all I knew she could have been having herself a piece of dutch beefcake, though I don't think she did. What I did, I booked a trip to Amsterdam on a friday morning, arrived there just after lunch, got on the train to where she lived, and sursprised her just after she'd got home from work. My ideal iteration would be she bumping into me as she was on her way home, but alas, I was a few minutes late. But when I knocked on her door, and saw the delight on her face - and her surprise as well - then everything felt right again. Being apart from Silvia was becoming a painful ordeal. My heart ached for her, my soul yearned for her. And when I wasn't with her I let that deep pain I was feeling completely consume me. Again, I am offering no excuses for my behaviour - the price I paid in the end was punishment that was due, ultimately. But I'm trying to put into perspective just how... empty... I became when I was alone. It was as if a part of me stayed behind with her, and what returned was a barely funcional copy of myself. And empty is indeed how I mostly felt. Back then, I was working in a very low-paying job, and I couldn't really afford to travel often. I only visited her twice - these two stories I shared - and she visited me not one single time. I wouldn't know it yet, but that would prove to be a pattern.

So though we talked to, emailed, and texted each other constantly we barely saw each other during those months she lived in the Netherlands. I'm not telling a lie when I say I just didn't function without her. I thought of nothing but her, I wanted nothing more than to be with her. I was increasingly certain of my love for her - it could not be anything else. And some I chased, some others came to me, none I ultimately said no to. And though I tried hard, for a number of months, to keep Cris at bay, she was relentless. I can't recall now what provoked it - I seem to recall that for some reason me and Silvia were going through a rough patch - but one day Cris sort of made me an ultimatum. She said she had the keys to our friend's flat, that we would be there just the two of us, and that we could do whatever we felt like doing. And I really didn't want to do anything. And yet... I did.