Day One hundred and thirty four - Where is my mind?

So, after Silvia returned from the Netherlands, she wento to stay with her family for a while. She also later stayed at one of her friend's, but just before that she stayed with me for a while. And it was during this time that things got really bad. This was the moment when she found out about the cheating. Well, some of it - two instances only. The rest she never found out, and neither did I come clean about everything else. And this happened not out of my own volition - though I regretted immensely what I had done, I had no intention of ever telling her, I knew it would hurt her beyond words. This happened because I made such an amateurish cock up that I well and truly deserved it happening. So, while she was staying with me, she was unemployed. We were in the process of planning our move to London - we had no jobs in sight, but what we'd need to figure out first was finding a place to stay. So we'd spend our nights together after I'd leave work looking for a place we could afford. But that also meant that during the day I'd be away at work, and Silvia would do whatever. She had my house keys, so she could come and go as she pleased. She could whatever she pleased. Including going through my laptop... which, admittedly, was full of incriminating evidence, and - almost even worse - had no password protection. So one day after coming back from work, I find an icy cold Silvia waiting for me - but this she was something she could be at any given moment, so I really didn't notice that something was off. Well, not until she asked me to delete some xxx pics I had of her. I thought that was weird, but ok. Pictures deleted, no problem. She then said she was going back to her family's - she might've given me some flimsy excuse - and hey, I still thought everything was going all right. We kissed goodbye, I asked her to let me know as soon as she arrived, and then she left.

And I can't recall now whether if it was some hours later or the following when the shit really hit the fan, but I got a text from her -  a long one - telling me that she'd found out I had cheated on her. And man... my heart just broke. My whole self became enveloped in pain. But her heart got broken far worse than mine. The pain she felt must've seemed unbearable. And this was just a few days shy of us moving to London, where we'd already secured a house, had booked flights, and were set to go. I don't know for how long, maybe it was just for a day or two, but Silvia - and understanbly so - really wanted nothing to do with me. Though I tried approaching her, she pushed me back. We were both in so much pain. But I had to try again. I knew that she wasn't with her family, but rather with her friend. In a desperation move, I went there to see her - even if for the final time - and apologise for the hurt I'd brought her.