Day One hundred and twenty six - Sunday

I wanted to call it quits for a couple of different reasons : on the one hand, our first few times together were a bit on the odd side, I was finding Silvia to be a pretty weird girl - and to be honest, I was weird too. On the other hand, there was a peaceful quality to being with Silvia - she was a very silent, very reserved, very to herself kind of girl. If I was the noise, she was the silence. And those early moments we spent in this tranquility I realize I didn't value as much as I should have back then. I was far too fragile inside to be able to deal with peace. To think that someone could love me. By then I was already having an extreme difficulty believing in someone, let alone trust them. But I came to learn that for Silvia it was the same thing. She had erected walls around her heart and her soul, and I was pulling them down, gradually. And so was she, in regards to mine own inner defenses, but it took far longer for her to reach my core than it did me to reach hers. 

Fairly early on, we had sex for the first time - and while it wasn't outstanding, it was good enough, quite likely the best sex I'd had in years. But even that didn't seem enough to make me want to stay. And so, a few weeks into our rtelationship, she took a few days off from work and went back home to spend some time with her family. During that time, though we talked, we weren't together. So I took that time to formulate how the break-up would come about. After she returned, she asked me to go meet her at her place, and I thought that would be that. But when I got there I realized that I had missed her, that I had felt her absence. And so had she - so much so that soon we were at it, and this time... this time was real good. And I thought that, if nothing else, I could cling on to good sex, for a while at least. But... that wouldn't be enough, would it? Not by a longshot. And so as time passed and we built our relationship, I always kept a part of me from her at arm's length. I couldn't fully open uo my heart to her. I was hurt, and hurting. And that hurt her too. But she stood by my side for as long as her patience allowed, she used to go to my DJ nights just to keep me company, and we always had those cozy moments just to ourselves that I took for granted. And then, sometime in mid-2007 things came crashing down. I told her things just weren't working out, that maybe we weren't a good fit, that we should go our own ways. She challlenged this, and very nearly convinced me to back down. Unfortunately, I had to start losing her to realize just how much she meant to me.