Seeing Silvia go broke my heart. And it broke in a way it had never been broken before - this time it had been in my hands. This time I could have prevented it from happening. All it would have taken was a gesture, a word. Something she could hold on to. And right then and there? She would have. But I let her go. I saw her turn her back on me, board a plane, and move far away. Though not strictly officially, we did become a couple again just before she left, and she let me know as soon as she landed. We kept in touch all the time, we talked as often as we could, and we missed each other... terribly. Now, what I'm about to say might just be some of the dumbest shit ever said, but it needs to be said. When we started dating, I was 29 - and I think that bit between that and me turning 30 did a number on my head. I legit thought I was too young to settle down, that I was too young to have my last woman ever. For about two years I couldn't imagine Silvia being the last woman I'd ever have sex with. How stupid I was, and how litlle did I know. So, what with her being absent, I took advantage of that. Not only was I starting to DJ again - and that often led to me chatting up girls - but for some stupid reason women just fell in my lap without me doing anything, really. And I always fell for that tempation. But... it never, ever felt good. It never felt worthwhile. It never felt like I was getting anything that was better than what I could get from Silvia. Hell, it was often far from as good as what I could get from her. And, idiotic as it may seem to write this, this was my way of coping with the notion that I truly, madly, deeply... loved her. I really did, I missed her - more than missing her, her absence hurt me. And after christmas 2007 I was on a flight to go meet her in the Netherlands - we'd be spending a few days together until just past new year's. And if there's a moment I'll never forget, it's the joy in her face when she saw me arriving in Schiphol Airport - she was literally jumping up and down when she saw me. We kissed, and that was a hell of a kiss, full of passion, full of love. We walked around Amsterdam for a litlle while, but we were soon on our way up north where she was living. The thing is... just before this, I'd gotten involved wiith a girl called Patricia. She worked in the store next to mine - I'd since quit my previous job and went to work in a similar thing - and for some strange reason me and her got along really well. We went out once, things snowballed from there, and soon enough we were sleeping together - not just the sex bit of it, actually sleeping together. Oh, I knew there wasn't anything real there - Patricia needed a distraction in her life and I was on hand, and I could not commit to anyone else - but one of the very first things I did when we got to Silvia's place was to text Patricia and say that I'd arrived. Here I was with an amazing woman who loved me, and my stupid dick was doing all the thinking for me.
No comments:
Post a Comment