I never intended to develop feelings for Isabel, for a few reasons. First, we had agreed that it would just be sex. We had no agreement about being exclusive to one another, and if she wanted to be with someone else - and she was - that was fine by me. That also meant then, that if I so chose to be with someone else - and I was - then I'd do as I pleased. But therein lies a tale not for now, but for the very near future. I also didn't want to relinquish a certain freedom I was enjoying from not being in a relationship - my previous experiences made me aware that there was always a fairly substantial of me that I had to compromise away... and I did not feel like doing that, not again, ot at least not yet.
Because what we had, as it was, was good - it was good enough for us to be together often. But... and because there's always a but... 'good enough' is always very subjective. For the longest part of this not-really-a-relationship, I didn't feel like either of us wanted more than this. At least not in a serious way, though every now and again we'd joke about doing something that 'normal' couples do, like going on vacations together or something like that. But those conversations would always be quickly brushed away.
However, as the months wore on, it became increasingly clear to me that Isabel had feelings for me. And please bear in mind that these were mostly unspoken feelings, neither of us ever having broached that subject. But I felt them. I felt how she cared for me. Every time we were together. Every time I got to her place and she had wine and sushi laid out on the dinner table for us. Every night we slept together. Of course I felt them.
And how did I feel? Well, later on - and I'd place this realization fairly close to when we actually stopped seeing each other - I realized I had feelings for her too. I mean, I truly wanted to be with her. I thought about her all the time, and missed her when we were not together. It had become so much more than sex. I was in love with Isabel. And of course I had to fuck it up.
Cue the last time we were actually together - not the last time I saw her, mind, I bumped into her a few months later - and I actually ran into her completely by accident in a train station close to her place. She was coming from work, I was taking care of something nearby, and after we'd kissed hello, she asked me if I wanted to walk her to her place. I did. But... as we gotr close to her place, I felt like this urgent need to pee real bad. She told me that I could to her bathroom, and in any other circumstances that would have been just fine, but the trouble was that her daughter was home - and I really wanted to meet her, I'd heard so many great things about her - but this was really not the way I wanted to meet her for the first time. So I ended up going for a wee on a nearby shopping centre.
That done, we sat down in a nearby bench and were together for a little bit longer, but I already had plans. I couldn't stay with her - however much I wanted. I had to go. Because the next time we'd be together, so I reasoned, I'd ask her if she wanted to make it official and be my girlfriend.
There never was a next time. Isabel - and wisely so - let go of me, and soon enough she'd found someone else who deserved her, and loved her, and took great care of her. It could have been me, but I was stupid. 'What if', though, eh?
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