The sex thing... the sex thing started to put sonewhat of a strain in our relationship. I tried to assuage her by telling her that I usually wasn't very 'responsive' in the mornings, and that sometimes I was just far too tired to perform, but she wasn't having any of it. It made me going to meet her harbouring a sense of dread deep within me because she was going to want sex, and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to perform. And to be fair, I never nor performed, I always managed to eke out enough of something and get to it, but to add insult to injury, Sonia would sometimes say very unhelpful things like 'I can't feel you', and though I never told it to her face, every time she uttered those words, it was all I could to to keep the melty man at bay. I wanted to tell her 'I'm trying here!', but I never did. Somehow, things always finished in a positive note. Well, for me it was positive that they finished - at all!
And the worst thing was how much of a failure as a man I was feeling.. it got so bad that I spent a lot of time online looking for ways to..erm.. 'enhance' my performance. I was 'that close' to actually buying a bunch of them blue pills that are supposed to give you a boner. But I decided against it. I knew I loved her, I knew I was very attracted to her and I knew that I felt great desire for her... I just didn't when we were together. Here's the thing : this is something that had never happened before, and has not happened since. I can't really explain why it happened with her. But happen it did, and that would be a sword of damocles that would hang over my head moving forward.
It opened cracks in our relationship, and though we never fought or argued, Sonia could be sometimes very cold and downright cruel to me. I remember I'd given her a book I adored and she hated it - which, hey, I can understand, but she tore it to so many pieces on a conversation we were having on the phone, that it left me in tears. It was all so unnecessary, I'd never do something like that. On other point where we differed greatly was in our taste in music. Now, I like to think that I have a fairly broad taste in music, but Sonia refused to listen to anything else but metal. And look, I still love the metal of my youth, I don't know hadly anything modern, but I generally didn't mind listening to metal when we were together. Some stuff I liked, some stuff left me cold. But something I learned very early on was never to share any music I liked with her, if it wasn't metal. She'd methodically pick it apart, and I would always feel like shit afterwards.
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