Red flags, red flags, those god damned red flags. There were so so many, and I took far too long to notice them and take them serious. Out of the top of my head - and these would have been close to the very end - the most egregious ones would be the fact that she'd explicitly told me never to tag her in any social media post nor to share anything on her page. As if she was wanting to keep something secret... or someone. One time I forgot about that rule, and if it was like I had opened Pandora's box.
But by far the worst of all - and this was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back - was when in late January 2018 her favourite singer came to town and she attended the show. Me, not really being a fan, didn't even offer to go with her, because I couldn't even do that courtesy - not only had she told me that she wanted to go alone, but as we approached the line - I had been allowed to walk with her there and wait with her until she went in - she told me that there could be no hand-holding, kissing, or other types of public displays of affection. I don't know what felt worse - the sense that she was so ashamed to be seen with in public, or the realization that I was just one of her side hustles.
I left that line - naturally only after she'd went in, good little bitch that I was - absolutely fuming. 'What the actual fuck was all that about?', I thought. 'I don't deserve this shit.' - something had changed for me that night, and I was decided to reach some sort of resolution.
Not long after, I had a trip booked to London with my son - I hadn't been there in years and he hadn't been there since he was a baby. I had saved up some money, and we were going to spend a few days there and have fun, just the two of us. Before I left for London, though, asked Carina what the hell we were. And what we were was a whole bunch of nothing, but she wasn't inclined to discuss if further. 'Fine', I told her. 'We'll have that conversation when we return.'
Funny thing is, when I got back, and we later met, she sort of acted like everything had been just peachy between us. But I told her I had to know where we were headed. The conversation started just outside the train station she was going to catch her train home at, and it invariably went into the direction of 'you know, I'm gonna regret this so much, but it's probably for the best'. I know the spiel, I heard it plenty of times, and again - all of this could have been avoided if she'd just been honest with me and told me that she wanted out of me was to rail her now and again. That, I would've understood. The gaslighting not so much.
Carina walked me to the another train station - just a few minutes away from the one where we were talking, and closer to where I lived. There, on that platform, we kissed goodbye and I never saw her again.
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