There were things that I had to learn how to deal with as a kid - by dint of my very nature since very early on, I was never the most sociable person, and that brought directly to the fore things like being alone most of the time, doing things alone very often, and generally staying away from whatever everyone else was doing. I had to learn that being alone, that having time to spend all by myself, that realizing that all I loved, I - mostly - loved alone, was not an easy realization. Already I'd find myself wondering what it was that I was missing, what part had I been born without, why I couldn't just be like everyone else. That translated into me being somewhat of a distant kid when I was at school, and though I've previously written about this, it helps to illustrate the point I'm trying to convey.
When I grew up, I didn't really change the way I was. I've always been content with taking a backseat to everyone's 'main quests', and I've rarely felt the need to deviate from that course of action. Not having to justify my actions or provide people with explanations has always, by and large, served me rather well. However, while I've always been more of a secretive recluse, I was born with a heart that was always so full to the brim with hope and love. I couldn't imagine, as a kid, any of the dreams I had for myself as an adult ever happening - to me they were always the fanciful imaginings of a naive boy. As I grew, and some things that I had dreamt about did come to pass, I realized that they were circumstancial events - things that happened more by accident than out of design.
The concept of 'destiny' was something that my young mind found fascinating - I legitimately thought that every one of us was born with their fates laid out before them. Some would die young, some would die old, some would know nothing but happiness, others would live out their lives in abject misery. How fate was attributed to a soul, I couldn't fathom, but I was more than convinced of it. In 1991 though, I was 14, and fall that year I went to the movies to watch Terminator 2. That movie lingered long in my mind - not only did its visual and special effects blow my teenage mind away, I went home with one of the movie's central motifs etched into my imagination - 'The future has not been written. There is no fate but what we make for ourselves.'
Had I never considered this before? Or was it something that I did not, alas, want to consider? Did I already feel that I was worthy of some divine punishment for sins I'd commited in lives past?
I never changed the fate I thought was in store for me. I never changed my nature - for good or for ill. But I hoped... I hoped that fate would be kind to me. That after the tribulations there would be times of peace and love in my life. I believed that hope, once upon a time. I would have always believed it. For one brief moment it was as if the universe stood still and revealed to me that I had been chosen. That I had been blessed with this love. How could I not welcome this grace in my heart? If I had to do it all over again, I would choose to do it time and time again. The love, I would come to find out, was always greater than the pain.
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