It's first quarter 2018, and I'm feeling defeated. I'm feeling empty. Emptied. Like I had nothing left to give. Worse, like I didn't want to give anything anymore. Carina had been just the latest in a succession of people who flitted in and out of my life, taking way more than they gave in return. I was losing myself. I was losing.
And I was changing... in truth, I had already changed somewhat, and all this just helped make that change complete. I had gone from being that guy who wanted so much, so much more than I could dare hope for, with an unquenchable desire for life itself, and now... now I'd become the guy who no longer wanted. I didn't want people in my life, I didn't want burdens, I didn't want pain, I didn't want hope. I just didn't want. Didn't desire.
I was becoming more and more withdrawn - and soon, I'd stop doing everything that was non-essential to my life. I'd go to work, come back home, load up on booze and munchies, and drink myself to sleep. Rinse and repeat every day. On my days off I'd just stay home and sleep and do nothing. Nothing seemed worth the effort for me anymore. It just wasn't worth it. I was tired of it all... so I gave up.
It wasn't hard, not as hard as one could imagine. Oh, I knew, deep down I knew, that there would be things that I'd miss - things like sex and companionship and the excitement of something new. But one gets used to not having those things, one gets used to not wanting those things.
To make up for this, I decided that I should take a look at my work life - by 2018 I had been working at the same place for four years, a record for me, I'd never worked somewhere for longer than about three years. And while I liked doing what I did - so much that I still do it - there was a part of me that maybe wanted a new challenge. And it just so happened that just before summer that year, a friend of mine called Joana asked me to send her a copy of my CV so she could have it delivered in a big, famous computer company she'd worked for. I had to think about it for a while, but I went ahead and sent her my CV.
Soon enough I was being called for an interview, and I got a job offer that seemed to good to be true - and it was, I just didn't crunch the numbers as carefully as I should have. But I was enticed, and accepted that offer. I quit my job the next day, put in my two weeks or whatever, and started to work at the new place.
And as soon as I started there I regretted it. I was supposed to be providing IT support, and I was assured that I'd be given in depth training beforehand. That didn't happen - we had only a few hours of training before we were thrown to the lions. I felt completely lost there, under-prepared, and thinking that I'd made the greatest mistake in my professional career.
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