But I did love Sonia. She was exciting, she was beautiful, she was very smart, and she was fiercely independent. And, I liked to think, we made one hell of a couple. We looked good together. We looked like we belonged like together. And Sonia too, came to love me after a small while. But that took a little time to get there, and maybe things may have been a bit shaky for us for a while. After I dropped that 'I love you' bomb on her, she naturally withdrew a bit, and on our way back home I broke down in tears in front of her. I was feeling something I swore I'd never ever feel again - I was feeling ashamed for feeling this love I had for her, I was feeling guilty for having said the words, and a part of me thtought I had ruined everything. I hadn't, though the legacy of that would eventually come back to haunt us.
You see, after all the tears had been wept and after I had stopped being a blubbering mess of a human being, we started talking about everything. And Sonia, though she wouldn't deny she had feelings for me as well, she just thought that it was too soon. That I had rushed things. And though I completely understood her point of view, I had to let her know that after all the previous fiascos, I wouldn't want to waste any time, and if I felt I had something as big and good as this love inside me, then it would be my duty, nay, my privilege to let her know. And I am someone that when I feel... I feel. And I feel in large amounts. It's an unbridled torrent of love that comes gushing out of me, and I would nevermore feel shame or guilt over how I felt. But she still clung on to that 'too soon' bit... and a few months later, I'd hear all about it. But we're not there yet.
At that moment things were mostly solid : I'd spend my weekends at hers, we'd go to concerts together, we'd go out for a meal and a few drinks often, we'd go to the movies - everything was really great on that end. But what I did not expect, and nor could I ever have expected, was that sex would be the thing that would start to drive a wedge between us. Now, I've been my women with very healthy libidos in the past. I always found that exciting. But Sonia... she was different. She expected us to have sex every time we were together. Moreover, she almost demanded it. And for the first time in my life... I started having performance issues. It got so bad, I started dreading having to go meet her, because I knew she'd want something from me that I was finding exceedingly difficult to give. And believe me, it wasn't something borne out of a lack of desire for her. Oh no, nothing of the sort. I wanted her and her alone.
But at the time, going to meet her at where she lived meant a nearly two hour trip to where she lived, and I'd get there after a long day at work, so by the time I got there I was feeling exhausted already. And with the added pressure of the sex... jeez, sometimes getting the damned thing to work was, pun intended, very hard. Very hard, indeed.
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